Endings

Every culture has its rituals for dealing with death and mourning. When a loved one passes away, part of us dies with them. In a very immediate way our life is changed; we must relate to the world without their physical presence. We must end those habits that mapped out our lives together. No matter how painful their suffering, the absence at their passing is acutely felt. Divorce too, after a lengthy relationship, is often a most painful ending. It has been described as bereavement without a body. The same emotions and thoughts often arise – Why didn’t I ....., If only I’d......, What was he thinking? How could she.....? Apart from the anger there is often numbness and feelings of emptiness at the prospect of a future alone. However it happens, all relationships end, which leaves the reality that, in every life, pain must be endured.

In the natural cycle of life, death precedes birth. The frosts of winter kill off insects and plants in preparation for the abundance of new life in spring. As human beings we carry the learning of our years from one season to the next and hopefully, if nurtured carefully, we have the resilience to withstand the emotional pains of life so that we grow in both stature and maturity. Unfortunately, our progress is often blocked when we shy away from endings for fear of the unknown beyond. After the inevitable grief cycle components of denial, anger, bargaining and depression our progress may stall if we become locked into self pity, bitter recrimination or self loathing.

Each person must deal with endings in their own way and to their own timetable. There are no shortcuts. There is no way out, except through. Many have attempted to find shortcuts or coping strategies rather than face the pain, but inevitably these prolong the suffering and often deepen it. During the initial stages of bereavement our cultural rituals provide a form and structure for coping with the immediate necessities. Comfort and solace from friends and family help us through the numbness but the weeks and months, or even years, that follow are often much more difficult.

Since the pain of change is inevitable and must be endured we do well to incorporate into our lives healthy ways to cope. Indeed we can adopt daily practices that increase our acceptance and resilience by incrementally tracking change. That way the impacts from life’s larger events are more easily absorbed. To me the most valuable practice is the daily expression of gratitude for what has happened for us and what we learned from it. It is often said in relationships that ‘The little things are the big things’, so we may find ourselves thankful for those little but vital things that we otherwise take for granted – clean air, food, shelter, the smile on the face of a child; love in its simplest and most common expressions.

Life stage endings can also be met with gratitude – for shared years of happiness, for the joy of children, for the release from pain, for the learning and achievement that came from joint endeavour etc. We can give ourselves permission to grieve our losses by adopting familiar rituals. Kenny ‘The Monk’ Moore wrote of his corporate transformation work beginning with a ‘funeral’ for long established practice that no longer fitted current operations. Others may describe their  errant behaviour on pieces of paper which are then ritually burned to release their hold on the individual.

However you choose, spend some moments today in reflection on the year just ending and let go all baggage that would hold you back from future opportunity. As they say – ‘If God wanted you to look backwards, he’d have given you eyes in the back of your head’.