Elephant in the Room

We’ve all heard the joke “How do you get 4 elephants into a mini?” – “Two in the front and two in the back”. The absurdity makes it funny and the joke has been around long enough to have won a special place in our popular culture. Similarly we have culturally adapted to accept the ‘Elephant in the Room’, the unmentionable subject that, if raised, may lead to altercation or unpleasantness. Such subjects typically go ignored until the issue reaches crisis point. Alternatively they may fester for years causing a chronic malaise with attendant stresses affecting everyone in the vicinity be it home, workplace or community.

In her recent book, Developmental Coaching, psychologist Tatiana Bachkirova examines Haidt’s metaphor of the elephant as the unconscious mind. When the relationship is strong, it may choose to follow the instruction of its rider. When change appears difficult it may be that the client finds their conscious and unconscious minds in conflict. In coaching we often find situations where we encourage our clients to acknowledge their feelings, then examine and accept them. Having done so clients are often able to move forward through issues on with which they previously felt stuck. It’s a personal democratic process that allows the several opinions to be heard so that the individual can buy-in to the chosen direction.

Through our personal relationships we invite others to enrich our perspective with their views. Healthy relationships allow for give and take, both in good times and in conflicted situations. Couples earn and develop trust which sustains their relationship through the tensions that inevitably arise.

Similarly in the boardroom it is important to have trust in one’s colleagues so that full-on debate occurs and decisions made on which the group collectively take action. Through this constructive conflict colleagues invest ‘their skin in the game’. This increases their commitment to the outcome and they will hold one another mutually accountable for the results. Collectively their decision making capability is strengthened. However, they are wise to consider the compatibility of their decision on the culture of their organisation – as the elephant driver requests suitable behaviour from his animal.

The recent riots in England’s major cities are readily condemned as the work of mindless hooligans. The sickness unleashed resulted in at least four murders as well as dozens of families left homeless and livelihoods lost. Unfortunately the perpetrators have not identified with the fact that in lashing out at their society they are effectively self-harming.  Hopefully we can find a constructive way to include their opinions and use their energies to address the greater challenges facing humanity.

What is the elephant in your room? How readily do you listen to opinions that differ from your own with an open mind? When and where do you express your own opinions? What ‘collective’ do you contribute to through your unique gifts? How are you earning and developing trust in your home, your workplace and your community?

How do you know when there’s been an elephant in the fridge?